Ok, look, I love Triscuits. I even read with interest about the internet hoax concerning the lost recipe for them. You know. The one about how the factory exploded and one last guy ran out screaming, “Triscuits are made of people,” or whatever. Google it. I don’t have time for this.

I also didn’t have time to Google the correct spelling of recipe. So sue me.

Anyway, my point is, I feel like I’ve tried basically every damn generic Triscuit out there and they all suck. Aldi’s suck. Kroger’s suck. Trader Joe’s . . . don’t get me started.

And what’s worse, the damn things aren’t even in the same zipcode! I mean, generic almost anything else. Store brand potato chips? Fine. You can sort of tell they’re not Ruffles or whatever, but they’re fine. I’ll even do generic Cheetos and be satisfied-adjacent.

But generic Triscuits? Trash! All of them! The weave is too tight, or the flavor is off, or when you put cheese on them, they dissolve into mush and reform as the T1000 and try to murder you and your twin, it’s just awful. And I just don’t understand why.

I don’t understand why I bother to keep trying. I’m just going to keep getting the original ones and be happy.

At least I made good on my threat to post another blog. Have a joyous and productive March!